


Anything you want... but sugar

by BlueSugar



Series: The Hobbit in English [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse of khuzdul endearments, Dwarves are like dwarflings, Dwarves don't eat sugar - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Sugar is like drugs(?, The Shire's food, They go crazy, Thorin is a Softie, Unintended puns, attempt of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 06:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6644809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueSugar/pseuds/BlueSugar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo wants to make a dessert from The Shire but like all desserts it includes... sugar. Thorin let him do it but he must not share it.</p><p>Bilbo goes against the system and the dwarves -and elves- go crazy like kids(?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything you want... but sugar

**Author's Note:**

> Gosh! I just wanted to eat a donut but I ended up writing this and I still want one... This is an attempt of humor ... AN ATTEMPT!!
> 
> Update: I finally ate one!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“Donuts?” the dwarf king asked him bending one of his thick eyebrows.

“Yes” Bilbo answered “actually they are quite easy to make. Back in The Shire they did them every weekend” he shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world “sometimes we -the hobbits- just want to eat something sweet. Don’t you?”

He’d never thought about it. Dwarves actually enjoyed desserts? He didn’t remember had seen any of the members of the Company try some sugar before. Even though he’d already lived 2 and a half years in Erebor with them after the battle for the gold.

Dwarven cuisine was indeed a little –a lot- basic. It consisted just in different kinds of meats and cold meats, dark beer and bread without fruits or vegetables –the green ones weren't included. Of course- Bilbo had forgotten how many times he'd -along with Dori- tried to convince Ori to eat a whole lettuce leaf. Luckily the royal kitchen had implemented a special menu for _hobbits._ Thanks to Mahal for little favours.

“Not exactly” he answered without putting down his gorgeous eyebrow. He placed one of his index fingers on his lips “Do you remember what happened in Rivendell, _laslel_?” he just got a nod and a sniff. He smiled remembering the little spectacle in the elven fountain “as you know we, dwarves, are very…”

“Stubborn,” the halfling interrupted “unpredictable, impertinent and immensely… loyal” he finished with a quick smile.

“Energetic” Thorin loved his sparkling personality “besides that” quickly picked up the idea “just imagine all our perfect dwarven qualities multiplied by just eat... sugar” now he was smiling.

By the Green Giant. He definitely hadn't thought about that.

“N-no, I don’t think that could be  _so_ bad." he shook his head "and it's not that sugar is more than beer. On top on that, the majority of the dwarves here are all grown up" in Rivendell they didn’t care about being adults to almost start a food fight. Clearly there wasn’t beer in the way “They did all that just to make Lord Elrond and the elves feel uncomfortable" he crossed his arms "very immature I must say, taking in consideration his hospitality”

“Don’t be on their side” the King moved closer pointing at him with the finger that had been on his lips.

“Shouldn’t I?” another sassy smile “Who is expounding marvelously dwarven qualities?” he emphasized the phrase. His arms were still on his chest but both smiled.

Thorin sighed “You win, _ghivashel_ ” he said taking his little hobbits’ arms between his hands and touching their foreheads “make your beloved donuts but..." they separated "under my conditions” Bilbo wanted to protest against it “no no no” and the King softly kissed his lips “no complaints…” he took him by his chin and both were facing each other “make them in the kitchen with one of the baker’s assistance and please... do not share with anybody else. Specially Kili or Bofur” the halfling wanted to say something again but he got a serious gaze under his husband’s straight eyebrows “I mean it”

Bilbo hate it when he used that _thing_ on him, it was like the secret weapon of Thorin Oakenshield to manipulate him.

“F-fine” he pouted

***

Water, flour, yeast, a pinch of salt, the strong knead of one of the palace’s bakers, _sugar..._ and there were they.

Donuts with every kind of possible toppings, icings and glazes. There were ones covered with dark chocolate, pulverized sugar, peanuts and also filled ones. Undoubtely they were the archetype of weekend desserts back in The Shire, Bilbo felt his chest swelled up with pride every time he looked the dozens and dozens of little round fried things.

The hobbit had done plenty of them so everyone should be able to eat al least one. Indeed, he had ignored the conditions that his dwarf had put about share.

“Master Boggins…” he heard how someone entered to one of the dinning rooms arranged in the stone palace -the one where he was standing- and he already knew who was behind his back “wow Bilbo… what are this rounded things?” without thinking it Kili took one  convered with sugar with his dwarf’s hands and he observed with fascination how it left white spots in his leather gloves. Tauriel was with him and she only nodded to Bilbo with a smile on his lips and looked at the donut too.

Bilbo loved how the she-elf wore proudly her _dwarven_ court braids.

“Ah Kili, Tauriel” he had to admit that since the beggining he had felt weakness for the younger heir, like if he were his own nephew “it's called donut and they are very common in The Shire” he came closer to them

“A dessert?” asked the red-haired “are they sweet?” she asked again with excited eyes.

“Yes, in fact” Bilbo was a little surprised that she had deducted that for herself “come on, try one. There is enough for everyone” he made a gesture to them to come closer to the dining table.

It seemed that Tauriel liked the whole idea and she eagerly took one covered with peanuts. Both of them look each other before take a bite but in that exact moment Fili along with Legolas, Dwalin, Nori, Bofur and Bifur -all at the same time- arrived to the room.

It was amazing how things could turn with time. The hobbit definitely had never thought to see dwarven court braids in more elves than Tauriel but in Legolas they shone brightly _, too_.

The six of them, just like the other two, stood motionless in the entrance when they noticed the full trays of food.

“Excellent!” the halfling said, clasping his hands “you guys came in the right moment, everyone take one!” again he made the gesture.

Different voices asked the same question _“What are these things?”_

Bilbo could hear Bifur talking very fast in khuzdul without understanding anything of it and see how he put a chocolate one in high with admiration. He also could see how Fili and Legolas compared theirs with Kili’s and Tauriel’s and all smiled. Strange thing for a pair of elves but -with help of the dwarves- they had learned how to do it properly.

“You are full of surprises, aren't you burglar?” the taller dwarf came closer to him, winking his eye.

“ _I_ _mrilê_ leave Bilbo alone ” Nori interrupted Dwalin by pushing him a little and grasping his arm “just eat your… holed thing” 

 

Finally all of them could taste the dessert and the hobbit was satisfied because -unsurprisingly- everyone loved them.

“Bombur?! Where is Bombur?!” Bofur was almost screaming after his first bite “Bombur have to try this!” the excitement distilled by toymaker’s eyes “I’ll go for him!” he said giving two more bites to his donut, he stood and then he walked to the door.

“Bofur wait!” Bilbo took one of the trays and gave it to him “take some to Bombur and to the other ones…” when the tray was in the other hands, the shorter one whispered to his ear “just don’t let that Thorin sees you”

“Don't worry lad. I’ll be invisible” Bofur gave him one of his cheeky smiles and left.

Sighing Bilbo returned to the dining table where were the others and he took one of the little pieces of heaven.

***

“By Mahal… What is going on!?” the deep voice of Thorin echoed in the carved stone but nobody gave a damn.

The scene was… inusual.

2 dwarves and 2 elves were having a fight of… baguettes in one of the ladders. Tauriel threw loaves of bread with his arch like arrows and Kili hit them like a baseball ball. He was throwing them to Fili who hid his face under his coat and at the same time danced with Legolas, both blondes were laughing with their bellies. The four of them were covered in crumbs and their braids were totally... a mess.

“Fili, Kili!” he called them but again none of them gave him a damn…

By other part Dwalin was spinning round and round with Nori on his shoulder. Why were they laughing so loud too? Oh of course… they were tickling each other.

Thorin didn’t believe his eyes. The anger was crawling to his face but... that wasn’t all

Bifur and Bofur were seated on the ground rounded by silver cutlery and drummed a melody they only knew like in Bag End long time ago meanwhile Bombur was the only one who did something normal in him… Eat. The King calmed himself a little by that but when he didn't recognize what was he taking to his mouth he just thought one word or name “Bilbo…” he whispered “Where is he!?” he suddenly screamed and left like he came.

 

He found him in the library with a book in his hands and an infusion of some kind of herb that surely he knew its name and Thorin didn’t.

“What have you done Bilbo!?” he heard the voice asking and the shorter one peeked his head over. Thorin's boots were heavy against the rock ground and noisy in the quiet of the room “I told you not to give them those things, whatever they are, to the dwarves!” the King quickly came closer and put down the book he was holding.

Clearly he was trying to contain his anger against his husband. Both of them knew it could be a lot worse.

"I-I don't understand what you mean darling..." Bilbo scowled.

“Are you telling me that you haven't seen the circus Erebor’s palace became?!” he pointed the entrance of the library. The exasperation was palpable in his voice. The halfling was confused “Come” the dwarf grasped his wrist –brusquely- and took him where the other ones were having fun.

 

In their way they found Glóin, Óin and Balin wrapped in carpets and creeping on the floor. Dori and Ori were cheering them up.

It seemed like it was a competition… a dwarves dress up like caterpillars competition. Glóin won.

Thorin’s jaw flexed and he turned his gaze to the hobbit.

 

When finally got there, Bilbo could admire better the sugar effects on dwarves. He covered his mouth with his hand in shock because everything was upside down, bread crumbs everywhere, silver clutery like snow in the ground –that reminded him when Lobelia wanted to steal his- 

How _many_ they eat?

“I thought you promised it Bilbo!” the dwarf said “now I have a madhouse as palace” he pinched the brigde of his nose and closed his blue eyes.

“I-I didn't know that…” he stuttered

“Of course you knew” he corrected “I was totally clear with you, nevertheless…” he sighed “you promised me…” now he sounded hurt.

This echoed in the halfling’s ears, definitely he had surpassed his limits and the last thing he wanted was hurt him “Thorin…” he came closer to him, carefully. He knew that his husband was unpredictable - like all dwarves- and it was not his intention to upset him more.

But they were interrupted “Heey uncle, take here” Kili approached him and handed him something “you ought to try this, Master Boggings is the best!” his smile was wide, typical of Kili. He left a donut in his hand and went away.

“What the-? Kil-“ but when the King opened his mouth to protest Fili rapidly took him by his elbow and push the donut to his open mouth. The hobbit widened immensely his eyes to that and the blond fled away laughing.

Thorin’s eyes mirrored Bilbo’s.

It was a little round, soft and sweet thing that was now inside his mouth… In a certain way it reminded him his husband with who was enormously mad now but also he didn’t believed how much he loved him.

“Thorin sweetheart, are you ok?” the hobbit extended his arms to him.

“ _Ghivashel_ ” he truly was “this… was made by you?” he swallowed and took another bite.

 _That_ surprised him even more.

“Yes. Well, actually I did it with some help of Flóin… you know from the kitchen… to knead the dough” he shrugged “I told you it was quite easy” but again he was surprised because unexpectedly Thorin rounded by his waist with his arms.

“This... is the best thing I’ve tasted in very long time” his voice was now soft to his ear “Why didn’t you made them before?”

Oh no. The confusion was going to break Bilbo.

Was this the same dwarf, the same Thorin Oakenshield, who just some minutes ago almost lose his head because his heroic company was behaving like little dwarflings?

“Why I hadn’t made them before!?” he separated a little bit “Thorin, son of Thráin, son of Thror, you would had pulled out my arm... before!!!” he said with exasperation "That's why!!"

“What- no no” quickly the dwarf denied.

The hobbit moved away with indignation “Fools dwarves. Oh yes Bilbo stay in Erebor, it will great! Marry a dwarf, follow your heart. It’s the right thing to do. The right thing Primulla's foot!! Stupid Gandalf…” he left the room murmuring more unintelligible things with a funny voice and throwing his arms in the air.

Who could understand these dwarves?

***

All the Company and the 2 elves were standing in line without moving. Every of them had a serious expression on their faces while the King Under the Mountain walked side to side with one very similar on his visage. The scold for the spectacle in the royal palace hadn’t been so severe as it should've been but after all it had been a big one and Bilbo heard it all because he was there too, in the opposite row.

All of them started to leave the room when it finished -included Thorin- but the halfling waited for to be the last one to leave it. The dwarf noticed it and just pinched softly the cheek of his hobbit before heading to his royal duties.

Bofur also noticed it and came closer to him “Don’t worry laddie, things are fine” he said tenderly “it could have been a lot worst and you know it” he winked his eye.

“But everything was my fault, if I just hadn't...” he said a little depressed.

“No, no. Remember that we are guilty too Bilbo!” he put a hand on his forearm “...ignore it. Besides that, it's no secret that when is about you" he poked him on the shoulder "or donuts, Thorin Oakenshield is clearly a sucker” the hobbit bursted in a light-hearted laugh and the dwarf followed him.

 

Aye, now Bilbo had a "secret" weapon against Thorin Oakenshield… and other 12 dwarves… and 2 elves too. He definitely was going to need the knead of Flóin more often.

Actually if he thought seriously about it... he and his donuts had the whole power under the mountain.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry by the grammar and vocabulary mistakes, english and KHUZDUL aren't my mother languages, sadly
> 
> If you put attention to it sometimes it seems like a very bad written erotic fanfic. So many unintended puns! 
> 
> Laslel= rose of all roses  
> Ghivashel= treasure of all treasures  
> Imrilê= my love
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
